Sometimes I want to pretend . . .

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Much of what is happening in the world brings me distress. I grieve over the lack of justice, the dishonesty, greed, and coverup of corruption in our government. Worse than that are the easy answers to complex issues, apparent blindness, or avoidance of issues which many fellow Christians seem to practice, along with the blindness we have to our own issues.

Sometimes, I want to close my eyes to it all. But I cannot. I’ve always been a questioner. I believe God likes us to ask questions. It’s a necessary part of growth. I never want to stop growing. These are some of my current questions.

What does it mean for me to live out my faith in today’s world? What is faith and what is not faith? How can faith become a solution, rather than a coverup of guilt? In what practical ways, does love overcome fear, giving me the power to reach out in compassion rather than hide? Where can I find hope strong enough to sustain us when I am misunderstood or attacked or abandoned?

These are challenging questions. I don’t presume to have all the answers. I’m attempting to address them in my current book. Because I need more time to focus on them, I am sending out blog posts less often. I hope you will pray for me, as I continue to work on this book.

God has given me the ability to process inner conflicts through journaling, writing poetry, and creating song lyrics. These are what I will most often post on my blog.

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 Sometimes I want to pretend 
 That no one ever dies,
 That life is like a fairy tale 
 That ends with happy smiles—
  
 If trouble comes it will not last 
 More than a day or two,
 If I just have faith enough,
 That trouble soon will go—

 This doesn’t often work for me.
 Does that mean I lack faith?
 Or could it simply be the fact
 It’s impossible to escape—
  
 To flee from the realities
 Of injustice, hardship, pain?
 It’s true I can deny these things,
 But I child, I will remain.
  
 Wrestling with uncertainty,
 With questions long unanswered,
 Seeing desire, again, unmet
 While injustice has prospered—
  
 These are some issues I must face
 If I want to mature.
 Am I willing to take a risk,
 Or must I always feel secure?
  
 Sometimes I want to pretend 
 That no one ever dies,
 That life is like a fairy tale 
 That ends with happy smiles.

 A faith that can’t stand challenges
 Is not what faith’s about.
 The God I know and serve, today
 Handles my fear and doubt,
  
 Hears my ranting, sees my tears,
 And always stays engaged,
 Does not always tell me “why”
 Yet my sorrow is assuaged—
  
 Not by simplistic platitudes
 Or an un-thought rebuttal
 Spoken by some scribe of his
 Who sees me very little—
  
 Not by quick assurances
 That things will be “okay”,
 But by the presence of the Spirit
 Who never goes away—
  
 He is un-describable,
 Mysterious in his ways,
 No words can describe him,
 I can only give him praise.

 Jane Ault 
 9/19/2019